Learning to Surrender

If I could share some wisdom with my younger self, would she believe me if I told her that one of the secrets of life is the art of surrender? By surrender, I do not mean letting others mistreat us, having no boundaries, being a door mat, or giving up. Surrendering means letting go of our expectations of how and what life "should be" and enjoying the wondrous ride of life that is more beautiful and magical than imaginable.

Would she be skeptical of me when I describe myself as a “recovering Type A”? Would she understand when I told her that her life (every experience, success, failure, and disappointment) is a master classon surrender? In my younger years, I do wish I had someone whispering these secrets in my ear

As a child, I was often told that I was too sensitive or that I should not take things so personally. I spent so much of my life feeling out of place, misunderstood, hurt, confused, and frustrated. I come from a large, blended family, and I was raised with the, “pull yourself up by your own bootstraps” mentality. Frequently, I saw the world as a harsh place, and I relied on my determination to achieve my goals (the very opposite of surrender). Through academics, which I enjoyed and excelled at, I found a system that I could understand and a way to feel accepted, and it paved the wave for me to become an achiever.

Once I reached middle school and high school, I was determined to succeed, even if that meant being the leader when working on group projects, picking up the slack for other team members when they did not come through on their responsibilities, or working long hours on assignments or projects. I did not blink at an academic challenge; I was focused on getting good grades in high school, going to college, and getting a job somewhere other than my home town. Through determination, I have accomplished all of those things. Unfortunately, I never questioned what that determination cost me. I was frequently ill, not only from pushing myself too hard but also because of a less than ideal home situation. Additionally, I often lost sight of enjoying the journey of life because I was too focused on getting out of my home town.

College was slightly more challenging than high school. I was pursuing a difficult major, and during my junior year, I decided to be a double major. Throughout college, I took challenging classes; often in the classes for my major, I was the only sophomore in a class with juniors and seniors. I was involved in a variety of clubs, and held leadership positions in some of those clubs. I studied abroad in France for two terms. I conducted research in a molecular biology lab, and I wrote and defended an undergraduate honors thesis.

Basically, I had a very full and academically challenging college experience. Like many at that age, I thought I was invincible and kept asking more and more of myself. I had escaped my less than ideal family situation back home, but I was still having some health issues from pushing myself too hard, which I do not think I fully grasped at the time. There were also many times when I was in tears asking myself why I was doing this to myself/pursuing my major, but I was not one to give up or surrender. Graduate school, ironically, was less intense for me; around that time, I began taking better care of myself, eating better, getting adequate sleep, etc. I felt that the course load (semester vs. trimester schedule) and research was much more manageable, but I still pushed myself with the same drive and determination.

Following graduate school, I still let determination creep in to my interactions with others, my relationships, and my career. I had many heart wrenching experiences where, instead of “settling for failure” (or surrendering to what the Universe had in store for me), I simply worked harder and did or gave more. In addition to being very determined, I am a very passionate and sometimes stubborn, especially in areas of my life that I am passionate about or that are linked to my drive to achieve. There are times that I worked harder, gave more than my fair share, and twisted myself into knots until I had nothing left to give, I had lost myself, and I had forgotten the joy of life in the pursuit of achieving what I thought I wanted or how I thought life should be. Personally and professionally, I probably have a reputation for “getting s#!t done”. 

My friends can likely corroborate that I am good at getting what I want most of the time…Luckily, I choose to use my powers for good! I am thorough and hardworking, I think through pros and cons of a variety of options before I choose what I think is best, and having already weighed options, I am very good at presenting and arguing my case. When any of those skills failed to achieve my goal, then by pure determination, I often outlasted any obstacles that came my way. I am certain that some of those situations were not necessarily fun for anyone involved, including me, and there are many times when I probably took the mantra, “Where there’s a will, there’s a way”, a bit too far. In those instances, life often felt like a battle to try to force things to work out exactly the way that I wanted.

Over the past few years, I have seen a shift how I handle things. Reflecting on how I used to operate, I remember a European vacation about six years ago where I had organized an itinerary (without anyone asking me to do so...ahem, Type A) with all the things to do and even included time to get between locations. I had been to Venice before (the others on the trip had not), and I wanted to visit some museums that I had not previously seen. I was extremely frustrated when we fell behind schedule and I thought I would not get to see these museums. I left the rest of the group and went to go visit the museums on my own. At that point I probably needed the alone time, but I did not handle the situation in the best way. In retrospect, I can see that my frustration stemmed from the trip not going as I had planned…identifying too much with my expectations for the trip instead of enjoying where life led me.

In contrast, for a trip to Toronto about 2 years ago, people kept asking me what I had planned. I would say, “I don’t know, I guess I’ll see what I feel like doing once I get there/that morning” (recovering Type A). On the way to Toronto, my connection from Chicago to Toronto was canceled. To make matters worse, all of the flights between Chicago and Toronto were canceled the previous day; thus, there were many people trying to get seats on subsequent flights. I decided that I could either get upset (and have a horrible trip) or make the best of it and enjoy what I could of the experience until I got to my destination.

I realized that I had a choice in how I responded to the situation. I decided to see where life would lead me on this detour, and I ended up chatting with a gentleman who had his flight canceled the previous day. He bought me a chai tea latte, we ended up on a flight sitting next to each other, and we had a great conversation. I had such a better experience when I decided to surrender to the situation and make the best out of it. Once I arrived in Toronto, I had a wonderful trip.

Even more telling was a trip through DFW this past December, on my way to my hometown around the holidays. There had been tornadoes in Dallas-Fort Worth the previous day, and there were many people who were stuck at the airport and frustrated. Flight after flight to my destination was canceled that morning and into the evening, and I waited patiently in line after line to get on standby for the next flight. Interestingly, there were several people who tried to cut in line because they had "a quick question"; they did not react positively to the revelation that we each have a quick question and are of equal importance.

I booked a hotel room for the night and went back to the airport early the next morning. Again the flights began to be canceled, and I finally booked a flight back home instead. I took it all in stride and stayed positive throughout the trip, and though I was exhausted when I returned home, everything turned out fine.

I do not know when the exact shift happened, but I feel much more at ease as I have relaxed more into who I am and put my trust into the Universe. My head and heart are filled with all kinds of knowledge and life lessons that have helped to completely transform my life. Even with this knowledge, I sometimes still get caught up in situations or my emotions.

In these instances, I have come to realize that I need to relax my death grip onhow I think things should be, to remember and trust that all will be well, and to have unconditional love and compassion for myself when I lose sight of some of the lesson I have learned. Each time I have one of these realizations, when I see the areas where I am making life into a battle, it is like watching part of who I thought I was die. The old and outdated thoughts, ideas, beliefs, identity, expectations, behavioral patterns are burnt away and shed to reveal my true self.

Ten ways to know when we are making life into a battle instead of enjoying the journey:

1. Feeling extraordinary tension or stress in one's life
2. Resisting life/experiences/opportunities
3. Trying to force the issue/situation
4. Trying to force things to be the way that we want them to be
5. Being stuck in the past instead of being in the present moment
6. Feeling too invested in an outcome
7. Self-identifying with an outcome
8. Tying self-worth to an outcome
9. Having a melt-down/temper tantrum when we don't get our way
10. Controlling others/situations

Eight questions to put life into perspective:

1. Is the issue that is bothering me something that is within my control?
2. Why am I feeling so much tension/frustration/anger about this situation?
3. Will this situation really matter in 1 week, 1 month, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, etc.?
4. How can I bring even more peace/relaxation/trust/love into my life/this situation?
5. How can I let go of what is bothering me about this situation so that I can enjoy life?
6. What part of me needs love/attention/to be heard/to be healed to help let go of this situation?
7. What is the worst thing that could happen if this situation does not go my way?
8. How do I feel about this situation if I remember that I trust in the Universe that everything will work for the highest good of all?

Life is full of ups and downs, and we all have lessons to learn. Not everything in our lives will be easy; however, life does not need to feel like a battle or an all-out war. We have a choice about how enjoyable our experience is in each and every moment. When life throws us a curve-ball, we can choose whether to go with it and see where it takes us or to fight tooth and nail to force our desired outcome. There is wisdom to choosing our battles. Why cause ourselves unnecessary stress and frustration? Interestingly, realizing that we are in a battle while we are in the midst of one isn't always easy. When our typical response is more programmed, we can feel that there are no other options.

Six ways to break out of our programmed responses?

1. Realizing that we have a choice in how we respond to any and every situation (e.g., with love and compassion vs. escalating the situation/fighting a battle).
2. Thinking about how we could have responded differently; not to dwell in the past, but to see potential options for future situations.
3. Creating a pause between the stimulus and our response (e.g., before responding count to 10, think about possible responses, take 5 deep breaths, ask for a break to collect our thoughts, focus on our hearts and ask how we can respond with love to the situation, think about how our highest self would respond to the situation, etc.).
4. Loving and accepting ourselves no matter how we respond; and if we did not respond in an ideal way, reaffirm that we have a choice and what the options are for a response.
5. Flexing the muscle of choosing how to react; it takes practice to create a new way to respond, to create a new habit. The more we practice, the easier it will become, even if we begin by rehearsing the response in your imagination first until we are able to make that choice in real life.
6. Trusting that the Universe has more amazing things in store for us than we can even image. Sometimes we need to take a breath, ride the wave, and see where it takes us.

When we learn to surrender, release our expectations of how life should be, and trust that all will be well, we allow opportunities for more ease, peace, joy, and happiness in our lives... By doing so, we allow life to be much more about the journey (and enjoying or appreciating every step along the path) instead of the destination.

As always, take what speaks to you (try it on and modify it as necessary) and leave the rest.

Many blessings!

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