Balancing Responsibility and Fun: Adulthood vs. Childhood Dreams - Part 1
Over the years I have had numerous people tell me that I am
too serious; that I need to have more fun. My close friends know that I do cut
loose on occasion and am sometimes even the life of the party. However, I
readily admit that there is a part of me that is very studious and always
striving; like I have a huge mission to accomplish and there is no rest for the
weary. This studiousness takes the shape of watching documentaries and videos, reading
lots of books and articles (my reading list is LONG), making videos, writing
blog posts, taking healing classes, etc. These days I also make time for things
like self-care, meditation, socializing, dancing, yoga, and doing nothing. A
recent conversation with a friend and some other observations really got me
thinking: Why do so many of us think that adulting is no fun? Moreover, why do
so many of us over-schedule ourselves with all of the things we think we “should”
be doing so that we do not have room in our lives for things that would fill
our hearts with fun, creativity, passion, purpose, and inspiration? What
consequences are the over-scheduling and stress having on our quality of life
and our ability to solve problems?
Me practicing yoga to quiet my mind.
Copyright Kahtryn Palacio 2018.
From casual observation, I have seen a lot of people (including
myself) trying to accomplish big things (projects, career trajectories, goals,
etc.), and the amount of stress and determination that arose in these
situations seemed to sap the creativity, fun, and inspiration right out of the
situation. Taking the role of an observer, one begins to see others listing off
all of the things they “have to do”, rushing from one place to another, not
really able to hold space for others, not being able to give their full
attention to the task at hand or the person they are with, accumulating more
and more stress and pressure as they begin to feel overwhelmed, and sometimes
becoming so worn down that they become ill or are constantly fight off some
illness (cold, flu, cough, muscle/joint pain, etc.). These people who are under
chronic stress still have moments of great insight and good ideas, but it makes
me think of the quote from Einstein, “We cannot solve our problems with the
same thinking we used when we created them.” I wonder how different their lives,
and the amount work needed to accomplish their goals, would be if the stress
were more manageable for them?
Now, I distinctly remember that when I was a kid, I often
thought about how awesome it would be to be an adult. To be able to do what I
wanted to do, go where I wanted to go, to have a car, to eat what I wanted. Maybe
many of us as children have a romanticized dream about what adulthood entails,
to be able to have so much control over our lives and our destinies that seemed
so out of reach in our younger years. I absolutely could not wait to turn 18,
and I thought the day would never come.
Once we begin to transition into the “real world”, we begin
to grapple with things like getting our first job in high school, saving up
money to buy our first car, being punctual to work, buying books for our
college classes, working a part time job while in college, realizing that we
may have to budget to take care of our needs and wants, coming up with the
deposit for our first apartment, unexpected expenses, having a pet, finding the
money for the things we really want, coming up with the down payment for our first
house, buying a house, the list goes on and on. Anyone else find their mind a whirl just reading through that list? Okay, deep breath. As this transition into adulthood happens and
we are no longer sustained as much or at all by our parents’ dime, the
shininess of adult hood can begin to become tarnished as worry and fear begin
to creep into our heads and hearts. If we are lucky, our parents or teachers
(or some other kindly adult) taught us how to deal with money and to work
through these types of financial choices and responsibilities. I have a feeling
that most of us get a hodgepodge of knowledge shared with us, and then we are
on our own to work out whether we are going to figure it out or flounder.
Then comes the social programming that we have imbibed throughout
our lives about how adulthood is supposed to be: “no pain, no gain”; “work hard,
play hard”; “There is no substitute for hard work.” – Thomas Edison; “A dream
doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard
work.” – Colin Powell; and “All growth depends upon activity. There is no
development physically or intellectually without effort, and effort means
work.” – Calvin Coolidge. I am sure there are many parents who would nod in
agreement with many of these statements. While I have done my fair share of
hard work over the years, one thing that has always stuck with me from
childhood. I heard a motivational speaker talk about the nuance between “have
to” and “get to”. Sometimes paying attention to the words that we use can do
wonders in our life and mind.
If I look at all of these statements about effort and hard
work, I have to admit that it really does not sound like very much fun. Effort:
“a vigorous or determined attempt”. Hard: “requiring a great deal of endurance
or effort”. Hard work: “a great deal of effort or endurance”. Work: “activity
involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or
result”. I can relate to how many
people, in the effort to “make something of themselves” or even to “keep up
with the Joneses”, begin to see adulthood as dull, boring, difficult, hard, and
unfulfilling.
With all of these things in mind, how can we begin to shift
towards seeing adulthood/adulting as the fun that we envisioned it would be
when we were children?
- Question our beliefs – Sometimes we may not initially realize that we have outgrown a habit, it no longer really fits who we are, it is not in alignment with what makes us happy, or where some of our beliefs come from (e.g., maybe our parents instilled in us that, “idle hands are the devil’s workshop”). Questioning our beliefs and habits is a fantastic starting point. Many of us seem to have a preconceived/programmed notion that we need to work hard to make something out of our lives and that there are certain things that we are supposed to do/have (corporate job, spouse, 2.5 kids, white house with picket fence, dog/cat, 2-3 cars, etc.). When questioning our own beliefs, we can ask ourselves question such as,
- “Is this really something that I believe, or is it something that I was taught?”
- “Is this belief truly in alignment with who I am and what makes me happy?”
- “How does this belief cause me to view/feel about myself?”
- “How do I see this belief playing out in my life, and is it bringing value to my life?”
- “Is this a belief that I would like to reshape/reframe?”
- “If I know that I am an amazing person who is incredibly valuable and worthy of love, is this belief consistent with that knowing?”
- Word choice – When we pay attention to the words that we use to describe our schedule, activities, job, and etc., if we can use words that make something feel like an opportunity or something we “get to” do, then the activity has a more positive connotation in our mind, and we might look forward to or even enjoy said activity. This ties in nicely with the point above about questioning our beliefs. Maybe we simply need to alter some of the words associated with a belief so that it fits better with who we are and what makes us happy. I have a few YouTube videos that discuss the words we use: Update - Words We Use and the Journey We Have, Complaining vs. Gratitude and Importance of Words for a More Loving, Peaceful, Harmonious World.
- Take stock of what's on our plate – If we are feeling over-programmed, over-stressed, overwhelmed, or too busy, taking stock of what we have on our plate is a great place to start. I would liken it to decluttering a closet, where we discard clothing that we no longer wear. In the case of our schedules/lives, we can take stock of what activities (or relationships, in the case of fake/shallow friends) are no longer bringing value to our lives. We all grow and change, and are new people every single day, so it is very natural for something that used to speak to us to no longer be as fulfilling. Freeing up time in our lives allows us to let new experiences/activities to flow in and facilitates us Taking Time to Be.
As always, take what speaks to you and leave the rest.
Many blessings!
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