Learning to Self-sooth - Part 2
As I discussed in Learning to Self-sooth – Part 1, self-soothing is calming and centering ourselves; having tools to help us find our body/mind/heart/spirit connection; and coaching ourselves through whatever is coming our way so that we are then able to make wiser and more confident decisions that will have better outcomes. In Part 1, I also talked about an example of driving/running late, the negative thought spiral that we can begin to go down, and how a major step along my path to learning to self-sooth was discovering my breath and remembering to breathe when I thought life was throwing me a curve ball. To continue on in this series, I want to talk about whether we enjoy how we feel during those times and how we handle those situations and if there are ways that we can change how we react to the unexpected.
Plants/flowers growing out of a window in the ruins of Glastonbury
Abbey in Glastonbury, England. A good reminder that no matter how
bleak and ruinous things might see, life finds a way to thrive.
Copyright Kathryn Palacio 2018.
In Part 1, we left off with me discovering the power of my breath to calm myself when I was upset, crying, angry, frustrated, and etc. Once we are mindful enough to focus on our breath to calm ourselves when we are upset, what is next? We have every right to feel whatever emotion(s) we are feeling; the important thing is what we do with that emotion. Sometimes we are very fearful of feeling an emotion fully, so we block ourselves off from the perceived negative/difficult emotion, which makes the fear of having that emotion or dealing with the situation much worse. If we begin to pay attention to what we are thinking and how we are speaking to ourselves, we will begin to see clues about what we are really feeling and begin to take those emotions apart bit by bit.
Because many people like my YouTube videos about clearing soul ties, I will use the aftermath of a relationship ending as an example. The relationship is over, and we are feeling very rejected and hurt. At this point, if we start paying attention to what we are saying to ourselves, we might notice that the thought pattern is as follows: “There must be something wrong with me…my ex not wanting to be with me must mean that there’s something wrong with me…That I’m not good enough. I always have such bad luck in relationships. I’ll never find anyone. I’m so worthless. Who would ever want to be with me?” Okay, deep breath. From this example, let’s go through some steps that we can apply for self-soothing.
- Focus on our breath to calm ourselves.
- Pay attention to (be mindful of) our thoughts [journaling may be helpful if paying attention to our thoughts is difficult].
- Recognize the negative thought spiral that we are going down.
- Start to ask ourselves questions about those thoughts/emotions.
- What emotion is at the root of this thought?
- Is this thought true?
- Is this emotion who I am? [we are not our emotions]
- Will I always feel this way? [look to your higher-self for an answer or think of what a best friend might say to you]
- Where did this belief about myself come from in my past?
- Is that experience distorting how I am seeing this current experience?
- Is this a thought that I truly believe about myself?
- What do I most need to hear right now related to this thought to comfort myself? [how do I begin to create a positive thought spiral]
- When I have this thought go through my head again in the future, what do I need to say to myself to put things back into perspective? [how do I head negative thought spirals off at the pass]
With these steps and questions in mind, let’s go through how some of them might play out with the negative thought stream from the earlier example:
Initial thought – My ex not wanting to be with me must mean that…
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What emotion is at the root?
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Is this true?
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Is this emotion who I am?
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Will I always feel this way?
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Where did this belief about myself come from?
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What do I most need to hear to comfort myself?
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I feel rejected and sad.
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Sadness, grief
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Yes
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No
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No
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Current situation; past experiences
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Everything is going to be okay.
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There must be something wrong with me.
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Fear of inadequacy
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No
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No
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No
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Childhood, being told I’m not doing things right
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I am perfect just the way I am.
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I’m not good enough.
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Fear of inadequacy
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No
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No
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No
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Childhood, being told that I’m doing something wrong
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I am worthy of love.
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I’ve failed again.
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Fear of failure
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No
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No
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No
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Childhood, being told that I’m doing something wrong
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He/she wasn’t the right person for me. I’ve learned a lot about what I do and don’t want in the future.
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I always have such bad luck in relationships.
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Fear of failure
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No
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No
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No
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Past relationship history and feelings of rejection
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The right person hasn’t come along yet. I’ve learned some great lessons from this.
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I’ll never find anyone.
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Fear being alone
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No
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No
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No
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Childhood, being told that I’m not good enough
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The right person hasn’t come along yet. I’ve learned some great things about myself from this.
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I’m worthless.
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Fear of inadequacy
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No
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No
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No
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Childhood, being told that I’m not good enough
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I’m an awesome person who is worthy of love and happiness.
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No one wants to be with me.
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Fear of inadequacy
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No
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No
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No
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Childhood, being told that I’m not good enough
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I’m an awesome person who is worthy of love and happiness. The right person will come along when I am least expecting it.
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Really, when it comes down to it, what other people do, how they are feeling, and what is going on with them mentally and emotionally, has far more to do with them than it does with us. There is the saying, “You could be the sweetest, juiciest peach in the world, and some people just don’t like peaches.” Sometimes people do not think that they deserve to be happy. It is not really important to get into what is going on with the other person, because at the end of the day, it is just speculating (and probably inaccurate). Each one of us is worthy, deserving, deserving of love, deserving of our own love, and deserving of our own appreciation, valuable, beautiful, creative, imaginative, and all kinds of wonderful things. Sometimes we do not see the beauty in ourselves.
I know for me personally, there was a long time where I did not see how wonderful I am. I had a dear friend who would send me these beautiful cards throughout the years of our friendship. A couple of months ago I was going through a box of really old cards and letters, and I found some of these cards that my friend had sent me….encouraging me, telling me how beautiful I was, and that she hoped that one day I would see in myself what she saw in me. As I was going through this box of cards, I was crying because I realized the contrast of where I was when I did not love, value, or appreciate myself… or see myself for how incredibly worthy, lovable, amazing, and awesome that I am….to the point where I now do.
Much of us not seeing how awesome we truly are comes from when, as kids, we were shut down for trying to be who we were. We were told we were wrong, too loud, too messy, bad at something, and etc. Over the years we start collecting all of these pieces of things that people tell us about ourselves, and we begin believing it is the truth. Sometimes when our lives hit rock bottom, when our lives fall apart around us, it is a really good point for us to start going through all of these notions that we have about ourselves and to start to question them. One time I was reading a book/listening to something, and it was talking about paying attention to how we talk to ourselves. Stating that often times we say things to ourselves that we would never say to our best friend or a beloved child. We are oftentimes our biggest critics. Sometimes other people may say things to us that may be a little critical, but typically we are the ones who really tear ourselves apart.
For me personally, I remember that there was one particular time that I was getting ready to head to dance class, and I was running late. I either could not find my phone, or it was not working right. I think I was having a hard time getting directions. Anyway, I was really frustrated and was talking to myself negatively: “You’re going to be late….[negative thought spiral]” The person who I was with at the time said, “Hey, you know, you probably want to leave soon so that you can get to dance class on time.” He was just being loving, kind, and caring. I was really snappy back to him, “Oh, I know…You don’t need to tell me…” He was very hurt by my response, and I cannot say that I blame him.
Some adorable sheep at Glastonbury Tor in Glastonbury, England. The black sheep is a good
reminder that we all have our shadow, that negative voice that can set us down a negative
thought spiral, but that does not detract from how incredibly adorable and awesome we are.
Copyright Kathryn Palacio 2018.
I was not being snappy with him because I was being hateful and mean towards him, per se, I responded that way at the time because I was already in a negative thought spiral of mean talk to myself. He just happened to jump into the middle of my negative thought spiral and made me feel like I was under even more scrutiny (from my perspective). I personally would hope to handle that situation much better now. I am much more mindful of my thoughts and my reactions than I was then. I would probably be saying to myself in my head prior to even having a conversation with someone else, “You know what, I’ll get there when I get there,” which is a good illustration of exactly the kind of coaching that we can do for ourselves with self-soothing. When it comes to self-soothing, when I am going somewhere and I am about to be late, instead of letting the my thoughts go down that negative spiral, I can tell myself, “Being five minutes late really isn’t that big of a deal. Rushing, getting all stressed out is having a negative impact on the journey. I’m not having as enjoyable of a time if I’m freaking out about this. What can I do to calm myself? Feeling frustrated and anxious isn’t helping me find my phone any more easily. So maybe just take a breath and step back. Everything is going to be okay.”
Self-soothing/-coaching is figuring out what things we need to say to ourselves to sooth us. For me, many things that I said to coach myself were related to safety. “I am safe. The Universe is on my side. The Universe is conspiring for my most fulfilling reality. Everyone is here to help me.” Many of the phrases that I would say to myself are affirmations. The reason that affirmations are especially helpful and powerful is because they give us something positive to focus on to help create a positive thought spiral. If we are really used to saying negative things to ourselves, then when we start to say positive things like, “I am safe. Everything is okay,” we feel soothed because we are telling ourselves what we most want to hear. Often we are waiting for someone else to tell us that everything is okay. I and other people, especially when in a relationship, say things like, “I just want him/her to tell me that everything’s going to be okay.” Self-soothing is about being able to tell ourselves that everything is okay, that everything is going to work out, and that what is meant to be will be.
Affirmations can sound silly and cliché. I remember watching a skit on Saturday Night Live way back in the day that made fun of affirmations [Stuart Smalley’s Daily Affiramtions: “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggonit, people like me.”]. Frequently when I think of affirmations, that skit goes through my head, but then I think, “Whatever, it’s a really powerful tool.” Affirmations making me feel silly is yet another opportunity for me to dig down into the emotion, to determine the underlying emotion/cause, and then decide whether I want to believe that thought.
Self-soothing is learning to talk ourselves through a situation the way that we would a friend; being kind, caring, and supportive; and having unconditional love. Sometimes when we talk to ourselves, we do not come from that place at all. Learning to self-sooth really comes from being loving, caring, and compassionate towards ourselves. We learn to meet our own needs and make ourselves feel safe and loved. Self-soothing comes down to bettering the relationship that we have with ourselves, making it of primary importance. Instead of relying on other people, or having expectations about the world, we are able to handle whatever comes our way with kindness, compassion, and love towards ourselves.
As always, take what speaks to you and leave the rest.
Many blessings!
Facebook: www.facebook.com/kathrynpalacio1111
Instagram: lovingmysoul1111
YouTube: Kathryn Palacio
Website: www.lovingmysoul.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/kathrynpalacio1111
Instagram: lovingmysoul1111
YouTube: Kathryn Palacio
Website: www.lovingmysoul.com
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