Learning to Self-sooth - Part 1
This blog post is the first of a series of three about self-soothing. Self-soothing is the ability to calm ourselves and bring ourselves to a point of centering where we find ourselves being more heart-centered and focused. It is having a toolbox full of tools that can help us find our balance (body, mind, heart, and spirit) and learn to coach ourselves through whatever is coming our way. With the resulting calm, collected, and centered state, we are then able to make wiser and more confident decisions that will have better outcomes.
Learning to self-sooth is one of the best personal development tools I have given myself because it has helped me to fundamentally change how I handle situations for the better. I have talked about several of the tools that I use in my personal growth in many of my videos/blog posts, and I thought it would be good to gather them together through the lens of self-soothing. How often do we have an unexpected or stressful event occur in our lives that really sets us off balance? How often are these unsettling events very minor incidents that seem to be the final straw? Do we enjoy how we feel during those times and how we handle those situations? Is there a way that we can change how we react to the unexpected?
Learning to self-sooth is one of the best personal development tools I have given myself because it has helped me to fundamentally change how I handle situations for the better. I have talked about several of the tools that I use in my personal growth in many of my videos/blog posts, and I thought it would be good to gather them together through the lens of self-soothing. How often do we have an unexpected or stressful event occur in our lives that really sets us off balance? How often are these unsettling events very minor incidents that seem to be the final straw? Do we enjoy how we feel during those times and how we handle those situations? Is there a way that we can change how we react to the unexpected?
A butterfly that was hanging out on my arm for nearly 30 min. Butterflies are a symbol
of transformation and a great reminder that we are capable of change.
Copyright 2018 Kathryn Palacio.
We often get pretty caught up in our lives when we want things to go a certain way; what I would call the “death grip on the steering wheel of life”. We experience this death grip when we are trying to forcefully direct a relationship, career, creative project, or event in the direction we want it to go. When we are really driven (having those expectations and goals), frustration and upset can arise when things do not go our way.
When there are several of these frustrating situations, overwhelm can take up residence in our lives. Sometimes this additive effect can allow a very minor incident, something that might not normally even bother us, to become the final straw that lands us in situations such as depression, illness, anxiety. I have had times when I was incredibly overwhelmed with what was going on in my life, and learning to self-sooth has been pivotal in facing whatever fears, insecurities, or limiting beliefs were keeping me off balance.
When there are several of these frustrating situations, overwhelm can take up residence in our lives. Sometimes this additive effect can allow a very minor incident, something that might not normally even bother us, to become the final straw that lands us in situations such as depression, illness, anxiety. I have had times when I was incredibly overwhelmed with what was going on in my life, and learning to self-sooth has been pivotal in facing whatever fears, insecurities, or limiting beliefs were keeping me off balance.
Several years ago, I used to get really frustrated when I would be stuck in traffic. Having lived primarily in small towns/cities, dealing with big city traffic was a change for me. Because driving in a larger city was out of my comfort zone, it automatically added an additional level of stress to these situations. I was also the type of person who prided herself on being super punctual, usually 5-10 minutes early.
Somehow there was this underlying feeling that if I played by all of the rules (e.g., being on time) and did my best to be perfect, then life would be wonderful. On my way to an appointment, I would diligently leave with the goal of arriving 5-10 minutes early. I would even check traffic and look at the ETA to see if I needed to adjust my departure. More often than not, there was a last minute to-do that would pop into my head right before I stepped out the door, so I would sometimes cut it very close to my desired departure time.
Somehow there was this underlying feeling that if I played by all of the rules (e.g., being on time) and did my best to be perfect, then life would be wonderful. On my way to an appointment, I would diligently leave with the goal of arriving 5-10 minutes early. I would even check traffic and look at the ETA to see if I needed to adjust my departure. More often than not, there was a last minute to-do that would pop into my head right before I stepped out the door, so I would sometimes cut it very close to my desired departure time.
Because the departure was down to the wire in my imagined script of how this appointment was supposed to play out, I would find myself rushing to my car and feel mounting pressure to reach my destination on time. Then, maybe as part of Murphy’s Law, as I rushed to reach my appointment, I would hit traffic or get behind someone driving unusually slowly. Creeping along my route, I would begin to feel overwhelmed and frustrated by my apparent lack of control in the situation and subsequently get caught up in a related negative thought stream.
As fears about being late, disappointing others, and missing out on the appointment began to swirl in my mind, I would reach for a release valve to vent these fears. Alone in my car, this release ranged from berating myself, honking, pounding/taping on the steering wheel, gritting my teeth, tapping my foot, and yelling or gesturing at the driver in front of me, who I perceived as blocking my way or slowing me down.
As fears about being late, disappointing others, and missing out on the appointment began to swirl in my mind, I would reach for a release valve to vent these fears. Alone in my car, this release ranged from berating myself, honking, pounding/taping on the steering wheel, gritting my teeth, tapping my foot, and yelling or gesturing at the driver in front of me, who I perceived as blocking my way or slowing me down.
I would think/say things like, “I don’t know why I didn’t leave sooner. I meant to be on time. If only I hadn’t stopped to redo my hair. Now I’m going to be late. Ugh, why can’t this person in front of me at least go the speed limit? Come on buddy; what are you doing? Really!?! Why can’t people lean to drive?” Down and down the negative thought spiral I went. Phew, deep breath. How do we get from this negative spiral to self-soothing self-talk like, "It's okay if I'm a few minutes late. I'll get there when I get there. No need to rush. I would rather take my time, drive safely, and have an enjoyable trip."?
When I take a step back and reflect from an observer perspective on those situations, I begin to realize that how I was handling the situation was not helping me at all. This is because if we are acting directly out of emotion, especially when in stressful situations, we usually do whatever first comes to mind. We are especially likely to revert back to coping mechanisms we have seen modeled or adopted in previously stressful times in our lives. This may include the coping mechanisms of our parents, from our past, and from our childhood. Often times we may let fear, resentment, frustration, or anger drive how we act/react in a given situation. So where do we go from here to improve our experience on this journey of life?
When I take a step back and reflect from an observer perspective on those situations, I begin to realize that how I was handling the situation was not helping me at all. This is because if we are acting directly out of emotion, especially when in stressful situations, we usually do whatever first comes to mind. We are especially likely to revert back to coping mechanisms we have seen modeled or adopted in previously stressful times in our lives. This may include the coping mechanisms of our parents, from our past, and from our childhood. Often times we may let fear, resentment, frustration, or anger drive how we act/react in a given situation. So where do we go from here to improve our experience on this journey of life?
A picture of a post at the Chalice Well in Glastonbury, England, that says,
"May Peace Prevail on Earth". This a a great reminder that we have opporunities
to find peace in our lives. Copyright 2018 Kathryn Palacio.
I often talk about putting some space between ourselves, the incident, the resulting emotions, and the decision of how to act/react. The space between is often called mindfulness. By practicing mindfulness, we are aware of our inner thoughts, and we see how these thoughts evolve through the various steps of incident, emotions, until we contemplate the options that we have of what action/reaction to take.
Mindfulness allows us to work towards mastering ourselves, even when we feel that things are out of control. In this space between, this pause, we can make room for self-soothing, where we learn to be our own coach, our own parent, our own best friend. Self-soothing allows us to be in a healthier, more confident, more loving place.
Nine benefits of learning to self-sooth:
Mindfulness allows us to work towards mastering ourselves, even when we feel that things are out of control. In this space between, this pause, we can make room for self-soothing, where we learn to be our own coach, our own parent, our own best friend. Self-soothing allows us to be in a healthier, more confident, more loving place.
Nine benefits of learning to self-sooth:
- Seeing ourselves with compassion and love.
- Observing the emotions that arising within ourselves.
- Focusing on our breath to help us relax and regain our composure in the situation.
- Discovering the part(s) of us that is feeling fearful or insecure.
- Calming and comforting that fearful/insecure part of us by speaking to ourselves lovingly and compassionately. We can tell ourselves what we most need and want to hear (e.g., “I know that this is a really difficult situation for me. It is perfectly okay to feel everything that I am feeling right now. While this feels really intense in the moment, I know that I have options for how I choose to react to this situation.”).
- Talking to ourselves as if we were a beloved child/best friend and making the fearful/insecure part of us feel safe, confident, and accepted (e.g., “This feels really scary and I feel triggered, but I know that I am safe and everything is going to be okay. I know that if I begin to focus on my breath, that I can bring a sense of safety into my body.”).
- Thinking through the options and results of various actions before we respond/act/react.
- Asking for time/space if we need more time to center ourselves before we respond/act/react.
- Being compassionate with ourselves if we do not react the way we desire. We pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, give ourselves a really big hug, tell ourselves that it is okay that we did not react the way that we wanted, and we visualize how we would want to handle a similar situation in the future…Rinse and repeat until we develop the new, preferred reaction into a habit.
During the session, she held a point in the back of my head/skull/cranium (thus, cranio) and an area down in my lower back/sacrum is (thus, sacral). As she held these areas of my body, she literally held space for me/held me as I talked through some stuff that was very traumatic for me, including domestic violence incident I experienced as a teen that resulted in me entering a catatonic state of shock from the overwhelming emotions related to the situation.
After the craniosacral session, I could easy talk about this traumatic even. During the session, I remember, as she was holding my cranial and my sacral areas, I was talking about these various situations and getting upset. Between the anger, frustration, fear, and crying that arose as I described the situations, my breathing became shallow, jagged, and irregular.
During this part of the session, my friend kept telling me, “Breathe. It’s not good to hold your breath. You need to breathe.” As she helped me focus on my breath, she guided me through releasing a lot of that residual emotion; even saying that she felt about 10 lbs of heat come off my head as I described the situation. Prior to this craniosacral session, I was not able to talk about this traumatic incident without my teeth chattering or getting really upset. Some of these events were not something I could easily tell others about because of the traumatic nature.
There is a cliché that “you have to go through it to get through it”, and the blessing of me going through this trauma to get through it is that it helped me find my breath. Our breath is life giving energy. In the Hindu/yogic traditions, our breath is described as bringing in prana, or life force energy. When we are not breathing well, we are not fully nourishing our bodies or fully eliminating all of the toxins and waste that is produced during our respiratory cycle. Our chests (and sometimes our stomachs) tighten and we do not breathe as deeply when we are upset, tense, or fearful. Especially when we cry, we tend to breathe really irregularly.
There is a cliché that “you have to go through it to get through it”, and the blessing of me going through this trauma to get through it is that it helped me find my breath. Our breath is life giving energy. In the Hindu/yogic traditions, our breath is described as bringing in prana, or life force energy. When we are not breathing well, we are not fully nourishing our bodies or fully eliminating all of the toxins and waste that is produced during our respiratory cycle. Our chests (and sometimes our stomachs) tighten and we do not breathe as deeply when we are upset, tense, or fearful. Especially when we cry, we tend to breathe really irregularly.
During times when I was very frustrated, angry, upset, feeling hurt, rejected, or whatever it was that was going on in my life, I got to the point that I would hear my friend’s voice in my head saying, “You change your breath, you change your life. You need to breathe.” Her voice echoing in my head would make me far more mindful of paying attention to my body and observing how I was breathing.
Whether I was breathing irregularly or shallowly, I would take a moment to gather myself and make sure that I was taking deep belly breaths. When we are breathing really deeply down into our bellies, it is a signal to our bodies that we are safe, we can relax, and that there is nothing to fear. Not matter what is going on, using our breath to calm and comfort ourselves is a key way that we can start to get ourselves out of our heads and into our bodies/hearts and help to sooth those emotions.
Whether I was breathing irregularly or shallowly, I would take a moment to gather myself and make sure that I was taking deep belly breaths. When we are breathing really deeply down into our bellies, it is a signal to our bodies that we are safe, we can relax, and that there is nothing to fear. Not matter what is going on, using our breath to calm and comfort ourselves is a key way that we can start to get ourselves out of our heads and into our bodies/hearts and help to sooth those emotions.
As always, take what speaks to you and leave the rest.
Many blessings!
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YouTube: Kathryn Palacio
Website: www.lovingmysoul.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/kathrynpalacio1111
Instagram: lovingmysoul1111
YouTube: Kathryn Palacio
Website: www.lovingmysoul.com
Also check out my:
- Learning to Self-sooth - Part 2 Blog Post
- Learning to Self-sooth - Part 3 Blog Post
- Learning to Self-sooth YouTube Video
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