Learning to Self-sooth - Part 3
In Self-Soothing Part 1 and Part 2, I discussed what self-soothing is and gave some examples of how we can sooth ourselves when triggered or stressed. For example, running late, finding ourselves in a negative thought spiral, and we have the opportunity to choose to 1) lash out to someone who talks to us while we’re in that state or 2) sooth ourselves enough to pull us out of the negative thought spiral, and react to someone who speaks to us in the kind and caring way that we would normally do. In Part 3, I want to examine topics that help us uncover ways that we can begin to notice if we do not like how we are handling situations and the resulting outcomes, what we can do to self-sooth in such situations, and how we can ultimately change how we react to those situations.
When we are handling things well, issues, problems, and challenges seem to roll off us like water from a duck’s back. If we’re not enjoying our journey and find ourselves down or struggling, then we’re likely not handling things as well as we could be. As the first example, say I apply for a job. I go through the interview process, and I really think that I’m going to get the job. Then I end up not getting it. The negative thought spiral might be, “I don’t know why I even applied for that job. I don’t have what it takes….” Or on the more positive side, I can say, “Even though I didn’t get the job, it was a really good opportunity. It’s good for me to put myself out there to see what jobs are available. It’s great for me to see what kinds of managers there are in that company and how compatible I might be with it. It’s good for people to have visibility of me and to know that I am ambitious. All of these are good things. The perfect job will come my way.” That is a much more positive spiral compared with the negative one. Self-soothing in these types of situations is us trying to figure out what we most need to hear when we are frustrated, disappointed, discouraged, upset, and etc.
How do we begin to notice when we are not handling situations well? In the previous example, we can begin to notice we’re not handling something well when we feel notice our body is tense; we find ourselves having unkind or belittling thoughts towards ourselves; we see ourselves going down that negative though spiral; and we feel the feelings of frustration, disappointment, and discouragement and let them take us to negative self-talk. Is it really as easy as noticing these things, why have we not noticed them before, and how can we begin to more easily notice them?
An image of the Chalice Well in Glastonbury, England. A good
metaphor for us to look inside at our thoughts and words that we use.
With our culture of “busy”, observing our thoughts and sensing how we are feeling in our bodies can be difficult, as we are stuck up in our heads, distracted, mind running a million miles a minute, and we are not taking time to relax and check in with ourselves. In my experience, mindfulness and meditation are great ways to slow down, relax, and check in with the body and the mind. Being mindful can be focused on looking at the way that we speak to ourselves and the things we say. For me, the first huge step in changing something that I do not like is noticing that there is a problem.
Other indicators of how well we're handling a situation is the amount of fulfillment we feel when we respond to a situation. Do we feel happy about how we are handling something? Is our response productive? Does how we are handling it feel good to us? Are we feeling at ease with the way that we are handling it? If not, then those are indications that we may not be handling the situation in the best way. These instances show us where the opportunities are in our lives to handle situations in a different way. Noticing that there is an issue allows us to focus mindfulness in that direction to explore our options for response and to experiment with other ways to act/react. Even if we aren't able to initially change our response/behavioral patter, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, give ourselves a big hug, envision how we would best like to respond to the stimulus, and we reaffirm out intention to handle the situation in that way in the future...rinse and repeat until we have changed the response.
I think I’ve mentioned this in blog/video posts before, a lot of my self-soothing came from journaling. I would start to write down that negative thought spiral that was coming down, and once I got all of that out of me, it was kind of like my higher self/my inner voice was like, “That’s not true. You’re amazing. You’re talented. You’re creative. You’re this. You’re that…You’re totally lovable.” Really, I think a lot of my videos are going to be about learning to listen to that inner voice. I would find that there was a part of me that would refute the negative thought spiral once I got everything out, and the self-love that poured out was eye opening.
In another video, Guidance from Ourselves, I equated it to having a “devil” on the right shoulder and an “angel” on the left. I talked about how there was a point in my life, pretty early on where I was feeling incredibly unsafe, incredibly frustrated, incredibly controlled. I’m not looking at that from a victim perspective; I’m just trying to express the feelings that I had at the time. I talked about how the thoughts came to me that I could drink and do drugs and have sex…and numb myself out…The night side of me (the devil on the left shoulder) was probably like, “Yeah, you could do these things, and that’s cool, because then we don’t have to change.” Then the light side (the angel) would say, “Why would you do that? Instead you could go to school and get good grades, go to college, get out of this town, and be whatever you want to be.” Sometimes we let the night/negative conversation, overshadow the light/positive conversation, but at the core of each of us, the light is there. Sometimes our lives have to fall apart around us for us to start hearing that voice.
Sometimes we numb ourselves out from hearing that voice because the night side is comfortable with you numbing yourself out so they don’t have to change. Sometimes listening to the light side (the positive thoughts) shows us opportunities for growth and change, which can seem scary. However, if we want to change our lives and move forward in a positive direction, then growth and change are necessary. Then again it comes back to self-soothing; making ourselves feel okay with that change and that growth.
So again coming back to, “I am safe. Everything’s okay. The Universe is on my side.” A great tool to understand where our thoughts and motivation are coming from is to look at the emotions associated with them. There is a magnificent book called “Power vs. Force” by David R. Hawkins where he discusses how he used muscle testing to calibrate emotions and created a scale. If the root of our motivations or thoughts are emotions like guilt, shame, apathy, grief, fear, anger, desire, or pride, we can tell that these motivations and thoughts may not be in our highest good or the highest good of all. Again, being able to notice that this is the case gives us the power to transform/transmute/challenge these emotions/thoughts/motivations and to choose better options.
So again coming back to, “I am safe. Everything’s okay. The Universe is on my side.” A great tool to understand where our thoughts and motivation are coming from is to look at the emotions associated with them. There is a magnificent book called “Power vs. Force” by David R. Hawkins where he discusses how he used muscle testing to calibrate emotions and created a scale. If the root of our motivations or thoughts are emotions like guilt, shame, apathy, grief, fear, anger, desire, or pride, we can tell that these motivations and thoughts may not be in our highest good or the highest good of all. Again, being able to notice that this is the case gives us the power to transform/transmute/challenge these emotions/thoughts/motivations and to choose better options.
As far as affirmations go, they allow us to begin to reprogram the way that we think and speak to ourselves and others. There are many affirmations out there, and I am a fan of Louise Hay card decks. She has one called Power Thought Cards that I really like. I also have some affirmation cards from Mike Dooley – Notes from the Universe on Abundance and Notes from the Universe on Love and Connection. Affirmation cards help if we don’t know how to phrase an affirmation in a positive way or if we want to do an intuitive reading. In that case, we shuffle the cards, ask that it show the affirmations that we most need at this time while shuffling, spread the cards out, and then use our left hands to choose the cards (which ever cards feel sticky to our hands/fingers).
The importance of paying attention to what we are thinking/saying, is that the words that we use are really powerful. What we choose to believe about ourselves is probably one of the most powerful forces in our lives. What we think that we deserve. What we think our worth is. If we think that we are lovable. How successful we feel we are. How easily we think things come to us or work out for us. Once we realize that we set the tone of our life with our words and thoughts, we realize that we have the power to change our lives with our words. I really love “The Four Agreements: APractical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book)” by Don Miguel Ruiz and his discussion about the word, especially not using the word against others or us.
In addition to learning to pay attention to our thoughts and words, an awesome tool to tell whether are not handling a situation well is to tune into our body. Whenever we have a tense moment or something traumatic happen, we can feel that in our body. If we do not process and release that tension or trauma, we can start having health issues. Maybe we notice a weight in our stomach when we agree to something we really don’t want to do. Maybe we feel a lump in our throat when we’re afraid to speak our truth. Maybe we have ribs out of place or shoulder pain. Paying attention to our body helps us gauge whether we’re going with the flow and enjoying the journey or if we are fighting with our life. We can use how we are feeling as a compass for what is working, what is not, how to better love and treat ourselves, and how to release resistance in our bodies and lives. A great book on this topic is, “YouCan Heal Your Life” by Louise Hay.
A small section of one of Kathryn's paintings; a good
reminder to remain heart-centered.
In all of these examples and with these tools, observation gives us the power to make changes in our life for the better. With such tools, we can move from not handling things well to coaching ourselves through any situation and staying kind and compassionate towards others at the same time. Learning to self-sooth is really the first step towards emotional freedom, allowing us to not see ourselves as victims. As such, we are able to reclaim our power and to wield it in a heart-centered way.
As always, take what speaks to you and leave the rest.
Many blessings!
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