Nurturing the Starved Inner Child – Eating Disorders


Sometimes in this world, we think we are so very alone. We think that no one else knows what we are going through. In this lifetime, I have had many unpleasant experiences. Fortunately, I have healed from those experience and come to a point in my life where I want to share the darkness and the shadow that transformed into light in my life. I want others to know that they are not alone in these types of experiences, and to see that there is growth, possibility, and happiness on the other side of something that we think might break us or self-destructive behavior. In this article, I will describe my battle with the horribly self-destructive coping mechanism eating disorders, specifically anorexia, and how I went from starving myself physically, to noticing I had a problem, to learning to nurture my starved inner child so that she can thrive and flourish.  
A statue in the Vatican Gardens of Juan Diego opening his cloak, in front of archbishop
Zumárraga, to show an image of Our Lady of Guadalupe. The Virgin had told Juan Diego,
"Am I not here, I who am your mother?" We can remember that we are not alone, even in
our darkest hour.

In December, the topic of anorexia came up, as a friend related a story about how some women were discussing calorie counting. She told them that she doesn’t count calories because there is no doubt that she could meet that goal. For those of us who have or have recovered from eating disorders, activities/items that seem small to others (counting calories, owning a scale, estimating how many calories we burn, and etc.) can lead down a slippery slope to the compulsion behind the eating disorder. My friend shared this story with me because she knew that I would understand, having battled anorexia. To heal this part of my life, I had to sort through and release many layers that were woven together to create the anorexic behaviors in my life and to fully step into who I am.

A few years ago at a yoga retreat, I attended a body image session that still resonates with me. The session started with a meditation, where we thanked our bodies for everything that they do for us and said anything that we needed to say to our bodies. After this meditation, we shared our experiences, and I told the group how sad I was about how incredibly unkind I had been to my body when I was younger, not in a guilty-type way, but in a compassionate way. I wasn’t ready to talk about the details of the unkindness, but I think now is the time. I’ve found that as the years go on, as my self-love grows, and as I move from feeling like a victim to reclaiming my power in all of the situations that felt disempowering, I am more able to discuss my eating disorder.

My relationship with anorexia began around the age of 10 or 11, shortly after my parents separating and my mothering remarrying. I remember that the initial compulsion to starve myself originated from an overwhelming fear of becoming an adult, because of all of the violence and drama in the world around me. I didn’t want to be in this world. I truly didn’t understand why people acted or treated others the way that they did. If relationships failed and people betrayed one another, then I didn’t want to grow up, get my period, and become a woman. I didn’t want to be an adult if it meant acting unkindly, violently, and disrespectfully; however, this was only one of the many layers to my eating disorder.

A depiction at the Temple of Philae near Aswan, where he Divine Goddess is receiving an
offering. Her breast is bare to showing the nurturing and nourishment she brings to the world.
For many years of Kathryn's life she had shut herself off from nourishment, until she began to
remember who she was meant to be.

I had always been a picky eater, and around the age of 10, I decided that I didn’t want to eat meat. I had never been a fan of meat anyway. Living on a farm and making friends with animals, as well as some spiritual soul searching, reinforced me not wanting to harm or eat animals. The decision to be vegetarian was not understood or supported by my family. I would often be forced to stay at the table to “finish my food”. I found it incredibly difficult to know that the animal I had loved, whose soul and sweetness I saw in their eyes, was now on my plate.

Furtively, my step-brother would often eat my share of meat, and when he no longer lived with us, I would find ways to dispose of the food without being discovered. At this point I felt that there were those who were trying to control me in so many ways: that I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 18; that I was to come straight home unless I had a work school, or sport-related activity; that I wasn’t allowed to have my bedroom door closed; even down to the very food I was putting into my mouth. So I rebelled, silently, and I refused to eat. I refused to nourish myself. I apathetically allowed myself to waste away. I became despondent, introverted, and distant from others. Sometimes I would even preemptively be mean to others to keep them at arm’s length.  

During my tweens and teens, I also had a large sense of fear. Looking back, I can see that I did not feel safe in my world, which contained domestic violence, verbal/emotional/physical abuse. Moreover, the stifling of my ability to speak/live my truth (attempts to control me in various ways) resulted in internalized anger. I didn’t trust the world, I didn’t trust those around me, and I didn’t even trust myself to make good decisions and navigate the minefield in which I found myself immersed. I felt that being myself only got me in trouble/punished, so I walked on egg shells, a ghost of who I truly was.

I didn’t feel like I had a choice or anything that I could do to make my situation better. I felt that there was no escape because I had realized early on (probably around 13 or 14) that I couldn’t take my own life. I couldn’t harm myself in that way. I distinctly remember thinking that I wouldn’t live past the age of 18, but I didn’t want to be in my body or on this plane of existence. Essentially, I learned to fly under the radar, to draw as little notice to myself as possible, to eat my emotions, and to check out of my body when I didn’t know what else to do, to turn inward and criticize myself. It didn’t matter if my mother or others told me that they loved me, there was some part of myself that felt unworthy and ashamed. I remember once receiving the compliment that I was “beautiful inside and out” and all I could do was cry. I did not see that beauty in myself, especially when I felt that being me typically ended up in me being punished.

Around the age of 16, I was probably the thinnest that I had been during my bout with anorexia. There were other contributing factors (including braces and severe tonsillitis followed by a tonsillectomy), but the extent to which I starved myself was/is shocking. There were days where I had 2-4 pieces of cinnamon toast and some orange juice. I remember looking in the mirror and not seeing the emaciated girl staring back at me because there was so much pain and confusion clouding me from seeing myself. A few years ago, my step-sister told me how checked-out I seemed at that point in my life; how the people around me either chose not to notice or didn’t know what to do to help me. Nothing that anyone said or could have done would have made any difference in the way that I was treating myself then. I was hell bent on denying myself nourishment and stuffing away my pain in the place of food.

A high school picture of Kathryn when she was near her thinnest due to anorexia 

Somehow that all started to change ever so slightly when I was 17 and I went to a physics program at a small college several hours away from my hometown. I think being away the physics program for a month was my first real glimpse of freedom; an idea of what my life could look like outside of the situation awaiting me back home. I remember that after I had returned home that summer, I was in a store with my mom. We were walking down an aisle, and there was a mirror on a shelf. I glanced in the mirror and saw a skeleton with clothes hanging off of it staring back at me. Maybe it was the glimpse of freedom and possibility, maybe it was budding self-esteem and confidence, maybe it was reclaiming my autonomy and sense of self…Something had shifted to pull the veil back from my eyes so that I truly saw what I was doing to myself physically. So began my road to recovery; I began eating again and to move back towards a healthier weight.

In college, having my own autonomy and being away from my previous environment, my anorexia virtually disappeared. As a very petite woman, I think that the most difficult thing for me during this period was comments from other people. I would eat more food than most women, and others would comment on my weight or my size, saying “you’re just small/skinny because you don’t eat”. Hearing these comments were difficult after making huge strides in seeing that starving myself wasn’t healthy, realizing how emaciated I had looked, and taking steps to eat well. Around that time period, I would only really notice my anorexia when I was under extreme stress; I wasn’t intentionally starving myself, but I noticed that I would forget to eat, skipping one or several meals without even realizing it. Noticing that this was happening was incredibly important because it gave me the power to make the choice to nourish myself and to make sure I practiced that kind of self-care.

For nearly a decade after my first year of college, my anorexia stayed at this level. I did not actively practice or think about it, but during traumatic or stressful seasons of my life, I would still find myself forgetting to eat. With more knowledge under my belt, I can easily see how we can slip into negative behavioral patterns when under stress. When I began to forgive the situations and people related to those layers of my anorexia, I saw a major difference on that front and many other areas of my life.

When I began practicing yoga, I found teachers who helped open me to immense healing and change. That is where I learned that “everyone is doing the best they can, given their current circumstances, thoughts, fears, and beliefs”. I found that “hurt people hurt people”, and I could see the wound in others that was prompting them to behave in certain ways. I learned that even if I couldn’t see in myself the positive quality that someone was complimenting, I could say, “Thank you for seeing that in me”, instead of negating or minimizing the compliment. That was when I began to turn inward when I found myself judging someone else and instead asked, “what does that say about me?” There was so much healing that happened in that period of my life, most of which was not focused on healing my anorexia at all. With all of the healing and personal work that I had done, the anorexia became only the faintest shadow/memory to me.     

Even after thinking I had overcome anorexia completely, I had an extremely stressful period in my life a few years ago where I had a romantic relationship end. I was ravenously hungry, but was not able to swallow the food without feeling ill because I felt like there was some kind of lump in my throat that wouldn’t allow to the food to pass. I was probably as thin as, or even thinner than, when I had actively starved myself. I had forgiven others. I had recognized destructive behavioral patterns and chose to love myself enough to pick loving options. Yet still, anorexia was showing that there were still roots left in me.

At that point, I realized there were still unprocessed emotions that were taking up the space where the food was meant to go. Even though I forgave others, I still had yet to fully forgive, accept, and love myself. I had yet to face many of my internalized fears, which were the largest share of those unprocessed emotions. I was afraid that if I spoke my truth that I would not beloved and accepted. I would notice that when I had opportunities to speak my truth, I would take a breath, contemplate what I was going to say, and I would feel the same lump in my throat that I felt when I was hungry but not able to swallow the food.

As I learned to take that breath, feel the lump in my throat, and speak my truth anyway (in the most compassionate way that I could), the lump began to grow smaller and smaller until it went away. I no longer felt the lump in my throat when I realized that it was okay to be me, to feel what I am feeling, to have the opinions that I have, to speak up for myself, to speak my truth, to stand up for myself, to be me, and to stand in my power. For the last few years, when I feel fear, I say to myself, “I know who I am, why am I afraid of that?” I have learned to reclaim my power and to be who I am, loving every piece of me.

During that body image session at the yoga retreat, it was as if I had tapped into the depths of the love that my soul has for me, and I saw the stark contrast with how little I loved myself in earlier parts of my life compared to where I was at that moment at the yoga retreat. I was incredibly appreciative for how much I had grown and changed, and I was proud of myself for learning to choose me, to choose love, to love myself, to see myself the way that my soul does, and to treat myself accordingly. After the other women shared what came up for them during the body image meditation, we had the opportunity to write a word on our bodies that we most needed to hear. I wrote “I am safe” on my arm. I look back at the 10 year old me who felt so alone and unsafe in the world, and I can hold her in my arms, comfort her, nourish her, and call her forward with the assurance that “everything is going to be okay”.

Coming through that journey and ending in the sunshine on the other side of the shadow, here is my wish for all: “I am safe. I am loved. I am perfect exactly as I am. I am worthy. I am worthy to give and receive in equal measures. ”

As always, take what speaks to you and leave the rest.

Many blessings!


Instagram: lovingmysoul1111
YouTube: Kathryn Palacio

Check out my:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Dragon

Image
Mythical creature, alchemical symbol Fearsome beast, scorcher of earth and man Tales of people attacked and gold you hoard Seeding fearful and gallant hearts of aspiring heroes  Mustering courage to attack you with savagery In the name of bravery and mastering the world and self Besting you, claiming victory and your golden hoard So goes the heroes journey, naively incomplete Timid hearts, newly awakened, see not your true treasure The catalyst that changes air to fire, purifying deeply Knowledge of the ages, opened only to those with the key Dimensional wisdom, symbolized living in earth and air Yet mortal hearts are awakening with light streaming in Thirsting for knowledge, wisdom, truth, and purification Seeking continued mastery through higher teachings Hearing the whispers of the dragons undiscovered riches Questioning the faerie tales of dragons from days of yore Channeling the power and wisdom of these majestic teachers Finding
Read more

Sister

Image
Kathryn Palacio and her dear friend Georgia on a boat near the Temple of Philae Sister Sister, I see you playing big Staring down the fears within Questioning their source Soothing yourself into confidence and authenticity Sister, I see you stepping into the light Daring to be fully seen Claiming your magnificent potential Standing in your power like never before Sister, I hear you signing your song The purest melody from your heart Speaking your truth Blowing love into your breath Sister, I feel you healing your pain Making yourself whole and complete Holding your field Removing all triggers and fears Sister, I watch you blazing like a star Shining your passion and purpose Illuminating those around you Embracing the powers of your emotions Sister, I see you forging alliances Communicating compassionately and clearly Giving and receiving in balance Combining the strengths of others Sister, I see you, hear you, and fee
Read more

Learning to Self-sooth - Part 2

Image
As I discussed in Learning to Self-sooth – Part 1 , self-soothing is calming and centering ourselves; having tools to help us find our body/mind/heart/spirit connection; and coaching ourselves through whatever is coming our way so that we are then able to make wiser and more confident decisions that will have better outcomes. In Part 1, I also talked about an example of driving/running late, the negative thought spiral that we can begin to go down, and how a major step along my path to learning to self-sooth was discovering my breath and remembering to breathe when I thought life was throwing me a curve ball. To continue on in this series, I want to talk about whether we enjoy how we feel during those times and how we handle those situations and if there are ways that we can change how we react to the unexpected. Plants/flowers growing out of a window in the ruins of Glastonbury Abbey in Glastonbury, England. A good reminder that no matter how bleak and ruinous things might
Read more